Thursday, April 14, 2011

life's butterflies (personal)

ready for another round in my brain? (yea, i know, it's been a while)...

lately i have felt almost a panic in my chest, like my brain has gotten over loaded and it's told my chest to take over, which feels like butterflies by my heart, like a serious case of nerves in my stomach that translates to my chest. wow, i make it sound like a heart attack. i think it's just because i see the world in slow motion and i expect it to keep up with me. i get easily frustrated so i work more to in hopes it will keep it up. half of my day is spent in an adrenaline rush. a rush to get somewhere. but i'm not sure where. i stare at my goals, list of things i go over in my brain and the things i have no choice but to do. i feel most at ease out of the house. i suppose it's because when i'm out, i feel productive. when i'm on a shoot, i get to run and jump and i get to take photographs that make my clients happy. or we're hauling horses and i love getting to meet and bring people their new horse or rescue. that's pretty cool. i know i'm being productive. i can only image a day when work isn't at home. when work has it's own studio and horse hauling has it's ranch or i don't run the schedules.
that thought alone eases my mind or my forced adrenaline rush. i must seem crazy. so complicated. i won't lie, i am. i get uneasy when i don't hear back from people i'm talking to through email, i get so happy when i get a booking confirmation and i'm too sensitive for my own good.

my brain works over time, even when the clock is off, even when i'm out, (not working) i'm thinking about what i can do next to make our businesses succeed. over achiever much? driving my husband nuts with the next set of thoughts about my next moves to make our companies shoot to the stars. 



so i can paint a picture of our life for the future. and all the while i'm satisfied, but not enough. i see log fences. rolling fields and hot summers. the smell of leather and a camera in my hand. vintage. a farm house and the sound of hooves. im sure if someone tried to stop me id barrel right through them. so am i not normal? i suppose not. normal people don't breathe and taste dreams, and if you do, you guys don't say them out loud!

my overactive imagination is a trait i don't think i could live without. because what else would make me reach for those dreams, thoughts, that imagination keeps me alive and breathing. the adrenaline that i get when i book another wedding or portrait session, the sheer compulsive stomach knot i get when i know i've scored it bit for Bronson. the fire i feel when my competitors act silly, the thoughts behind it. the words i wish i could say but my heart can see their bridge burning and another one opening when i keep my words to myself.



so i'm an unstoppable ball of fire. maybe we'll just conclude, i have some pretty crazy traits, but i wouldn't be me without them.

free dreams!
-bella

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