Tuesday, June 7, 2011

a numb saturday evening. (personal)

i struggled wether or not to write about this. but i thought ... why should this blog just show the best of me. we all have hurdles and feel afraid at times. where we sit and cry and don't know why. where the edge seems so near, but not near enough. i've never faced what i faced on saturday evening before. where our life got thrown into others lives and i was left to thinking it had not happened. it could not. those things just dont happen. but i was wrong. it was a slow nightmare. i feeling i dont wish on anyone and my breathing still slows and my head still rushes from the thought. i remember the color black and the atmosphere being thick. the thought of not knowing or knowing too much.
as husmans we protect ourselves by making ourselves immune and immortal to this worlds reality. but are we really immune. are we immortal. we know it happens to others but it would never happen to us. as i teenager i thought i would never have a family member battle cancer, id never see war or be afraid living. id never struggle or have any debt.
and even when its one of the nicest days of the year, pure tragedy can happen....

we drove off the forest service road. the air was a nice 18 degrees as the sun began to set, about 7.20pm. we came off the dirt roads onto the cement road on our way into harrison hot springs. the lake followed the winding up and down road till we came to a large boat launch. jordan pulled the truck in. grabbing the back country maps book to see what else was in the area. we had spent friday night on harrison lake. he decided to move the truck up closer to the water. i jumped out, getting both of the dogs out of the truck and letting them get a drink. pinot went for a brief swim. i called her back to me as maggie came to my side. i turned to pet her. pinot joining me on my other side. i had both leashes in my hands. i clipped maggie back on as i looked up the sound of screeching tires. i screamed for jordan as the car whipped around the corner. it started to fish tail. i kept yelling jordan's name. it side swiped a park denali with a boat trailer attached to it and then slammed into the telephone pole. the pole then did a large spark at the top. i saw jordan running towards the the black honda accord as it's back end whipped into a large metal winch that pulled boats from the water, or used to.
i reached down blindly and clipped the yellow lab to her leash. then walked to my truck, tying them quickly to the step-up bar. then i walked quickly across the gravel boat launch. a girl staggered towards me. at first i thought her a a by stander. but as i looked her over, in only a bikini, her body was bruised and scratched up. a bit of blood under her nose. she walked to me... i was screaming, i told them to slow down... i told them...

i got her to sit down a cement barrier near us. her eyes glazed over. i didn't ask her any questions. i didn't know what to think. i sat with her. putting my arm around her. a complete stranger i showed immediate comfort too. i looked over to the car. jordan was on his cell phone. a couple in a yellow jeep pulled up. the boyfriend went to jordan's side and the girlfriend to mine. she asked me if she was okay... i didn't know... i didn't know what had just happened or what was going to happen... i knew help would be there soon...

jordan passed his phone off quickly to the boyfriend. he was seeing if the driver was okay. directing people to count so he could take their pulse. the boy in the back seat was grunting... it wasn't something i had heard before. jordan checked him, rechecked him. it was minutes... maybe 10 or 15... but i heard the sirens and i told her help was coming and that she'd be okay. she was crying. the fire department pulled up. i felt relief for them. i knew something had happened. something bad.
the police. the ambulance. and somehow jordan was still there. still helping. i stood back as the firefighters asked her questions and she started to forget... her head injury most likely becoming present. i stepped further back. jocelynn was in the truck. the dogs looked across to me and i walked to them. putting them in the back of the truck and sat in the passenger side. i looked down to my hands. some blood on the back of my hands. she had been bleeding everywhere... i hadn't remembered. jordan walked over to me another 10 minutes later. he explained to me he was dying. that he probably wouldn't make it. that he was slipping away. i looked up to the black metal. the debris all over the ground. the parked denali. the driver yelled out in anger as they cut the top off the car. i looked to jordan... though i didn't believe it. i did. i couldn't believe it had just happened. the pure simple fact that there was nothing to save him.

we heard the helicopters land and the ambulances deliver them to the loud, windy machines. the machines, that at any, would save them. i told them to stop. i told them to slow down and they told me to shut my eyes...
my head sounded like mosquito's. and my vision was narrow. i wasn't sorry for myself. i wasn't sorry for what i had seen or why i had seen it. i wasn't afraid or asking why. i was just numb. numb for their families. their lives and the life lost. that i witnessed the last few moments of his life. numb.

its okay, i'm not okay, right now...


No comments:

Post a Comment

Leave a comment, I'd love to hear from you! :)